Put Your Parole Officer on Speed Dial, it's Time for Criminal Crafting

well hung

This past week has been a whirlwind tour of fun and mayhem with two fiendishly lovely kick off parties for the Criminal Crafts book at Bridge City Comics and the Someday Lounge.  I'm new to this whole game, but I'm beginning to catch on to some of the rules of author signings and being interviewed by the press.

#1 When someone approaches the table don't offer them the choice between signing in ink or blood, you might freak them out- just use a sharpie, don't be a smart ass.

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#2 Books featuring flaming cocktails and shiv cozies are actually well loved by children too and if an adult offers to buy it for their kid, it's between the two of them, you won't actually be around for the fallout.  Since my kids had a whole lot to do with the making of the book and my daughter has a great idea for the perfect bank job, I'm in no position to judge.

#3 Don't break the reporter.  I had a lovely interview with a cool guy two weeks ago and we made some flaming drinks for his story.  During the process of filming we managed to: accidentally pour a drink on the owner of the bar we were shooting in, get locked out of said bar, the reporter fractured his elbow scaling a chain link fence attempting to return us to civilization and was ALMOST ARRESTED BY TRI-MET POLICE FOR IMPERSONATING AN OFFICER, and we set some stuff on fire.  I am known to exaggerate on this blog a wee bit and sometimes outright lie, but this one is totally and completely true, all of it.  My agent has asked me to only do interviews by phone from here on out, wise plan.

I am super, super excited for the next big signing event at Murder by the Book which I'll be doing with the amazingly talented craft author Susan Beal.  I'm a huge fan of her books especially  World of Geekcraft and Button it Up which have cool projects for when I'm feeling less maudlin.  There will be snacks, Susan is bringing along a couple of her most mysterious projects to show off- A Coraline inspired sewing box and Tribbles!  I'll have a couple projects from Criminal Crafts including invisible ink and a ransom note kit, because we're all about depraved writing.  Susan was kind enough to do a write up of the event here....

It is an absolute treat to be hanging out at Murder by the Book, everyone in the shop is delightful and I always walk out with my arms loaded down with a stack of thrillers, local ner-do-wells and classic who-done-its.  One things I love about the shop is their excellent selection of mysteries for kids, since my posse is destine for either incarceration or a future in law enforcement I figure it's never too early to have them bone up on the fundamentals of the criminal world and espionage.  With that in mind I picked up three fantastic books last week:

Uncle

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. was one of the best things that ever happened in spy TV, though the Prisoner will always be 1st in my heart.  U.N.C.L.E. did get the best licensed toys, and spin-off books, I was stoked to find this at the store- not quite sure what a "gentle saboteur" really is, but I'm about to find out.  The illustrations are dope and I love the writing style  "The truth struck her like a tremendous gong.  She was not a soldier but a mercenary, a paid professional.  She was not part of an army but a member of a world organization of professional criminals, covering their crimes by a pretense of political activity, earning huge sums of money as the lackeys, without conscience, of governments that desired unrest and turmoil"  Booyah! That is some good shit!

Vanishing

 Vanishing Acts by Phillip Margolin and Ami Margolin Rome- A mystery story with Jr. High heroine, Madison Kincaid set in the ever sunny Portland Oregon.  I love reading local authors telling stories about the city I live in and Phillip's books never disappoint.  This is the first project he's written with his daughter Ami and though it's for a kid audience, I'll be reading it 1st because I'm already hooked.  I got the chance to meet Phillip and Ami at a signing last summer and they are both charming people with a quick wit, looking forward to snuggling down with this one!

Freddy

 Freddy the Detective, the 1st book in the Freddy the Pig series.  Don't let the title woo you into thinking this is just a book for kids, Freddy is the shiz, love this little guy a whole lot- Super dry humor with the writer, Walter R. Brooks as a contributing author to the New Yorker and Atlantic.  Though the stories were written between the late 1920's up to late 50's, the political commentary remains astute and timeless.  Freddy is a dapper hero with a supporting cast of barnyard friends who manage to over-come their animal instincts to demand labor reforms, start their own bank and covert espionage agency and eventually diplomatic relations with the people of Mars.  Since meeting Freddy last month, the kids and I have become obsessed and he's our hands down favorite read aloud.

Aside from having my head in a book this week, I plan on doing some long overdue crafting.  I'll be spending a part of Thursday and Friday (10-2 ish) hanging out at Backspace Cafe as the "Crafter in Residence".  I'll be making some projects from the book and a few other things on my to-do list.  Drop in and say "hi" bring something of yours to work on or stump me with craft questions or master schemes.  This is an informal meet-up so tweet me if you're heading over @criminalcrafts I'll be in the back probably drinking one of the tantalizingly delicious Upright Brewing's Criminal Crafts Barley Bocks.

Notes from the Underground

Upright taps

With the Criminal Crafts book launch just a few weeks away, I've been scheming plots to get a little publicity for the book, unfortunately plan A was so devious it would land me back in the clink, plan B involved public exposure and while that might have worked in my twenties, gravity and life on the lamb hasn't been as kind to me as it could, plus it's March and I'm not too keen about hanging from a window ledge, in a thong, in the freezing cold rain for seven hours, so, plan B- out.  Plan C involved me re-creating The Blues Brothers, shot for shot, but using monkeys.  This one had potential but teaching a chimp to drive a stick might be out of my skill set.  My bookie, Flavio said keep it simple, "stay with what you know, what do people like?".  Having ruled out the naked thing, I moved onto the next obvious choice, people love beer, I love beer, and like my taste in rare gemstones and foraged paintings, I want only the best, this quest for perfection led me skulking over to Upright Brewing in Portland Oregon. Tucked away in the basement of the historic Leftbank Building, Upright specializes in Belgian and French Farmhouse style beers with a special room set aside for open tank fermentation.

Upright CCBB

Beers there are being made using some of the old school techniques, and by old school, I'm talking 100 years ago or more like the Gose which adds salt to a wheat beer giving it a complex and crisp finish. The wine barrels spread around the brewery aren't there for ambiance, but are instead storing up all sorts of goodness, specialty one-off beers some with peaches, others with berries and lots of great herbs like ginger, yarrow and calendula.

So, last Tuesday morning I "let myself into the place" and presented my plan to head brewer and owner "Alex" Ganum.  Here's the weird thing I didn't have to tie him up or hold a gun to his head or anything, he was totally into the idea of making Criminal Crafts inspired beer.  We talked a bit about styles, and he suggested it compliment the book, dark and noir-ish, a respectively high, alcohol

Upright tank

content, and slightly sweet, hmm, except for the last bit, I'd say he gets me.  The first game plan was to make a Dunkel Wizenbock which sounded pretty cool, I like the dark malty beers, brings back my old espionage days in Bavaria- but then "Alex" got inspired, a mad genius kind of thing and he went all grain on me, we're talking many, many 50lb bags of barley, I'm thinking it might have been 700lbs, but I've been known to tell a tall tale. And it was four different kinds of barley including a Munich malt that had me singing Edelweiss all morning.   Then just to be a rebel, he didn't add any wheat and only five lbs of hops in the last boil.  In the end "Alex" called it a Barley Bock which sounds pretty kick ass to me.

Now that the beer is happily percolating away in big yeasty bubbles in the fermentation room, destine for greatness, I've had a little time to reflect on my pal "Alex" and his seemingly altruistic behavior.  I've come to this conclusion, he isn't what he seems.

My first guess was witness protection program, like my in-laws, but on further internet digging, I've decided it is much more complicated and sinister... In 1958 famed Argentinean F1 race car driver Juan Manuel Fangio was kidnapped at a Grand Prix race in Cuba by  a group of revolutionaries who were trying to gain publicity for their cause (I know how they feel).

Upright another seven

Fangio was released pretty quickly, and remained life long friends with his captors.  What no one has been able to confirm is that Fangio sired identical triplet sons while being held captive.  These young men went on to driving careers of their own, though substantially less reputable,  one of the boys was a bag man for the mob, another ran speed boat mule runs off the coast of Miami and the third, Castro's personal driver.

This was the family "Alex" was born into- rather than live a life of crime and fast cars he stowed away on a cargo boat to Europe that crashed on a stormy evening off the coast of Belgium.  A Trappist monk found his body washed up on the rocks and gave him shelter at a nearby abbey.  Over the silent years "Alex" learned the secrets of the order, grinding grains by hand using large rocks and harvesting late season hops by moonlight.   Eventually he found his way up to the Pacific Northwest surviving only on his quick wit and prodigal brewing skills.

I'm assuming, "Alex" knows I'm on to him and the whole Upright Brewing Criminal Crafts Barley Bock is just a ploy to keep me from flapping my gums.  Maybe I'll keep the story to myself or, maybe not, if nothing else I know who to call when I need a get-away driver.  And I could be totally wrong about this whole back-story, though it would go a long way toward explaining the email fishing shakedown he tried to pull off a couple months back and the suspect plea for wired cash when he'd supposedly been mugged in Manila.

As for the beer, it gets kegged on Thursday and half of it is getting set aside with currants and aging barrels the rest will be at bars around Portland and at some of the Criminal Crafts book signing events including cocktail reception at the Someday Lounge on April 10th.

http://youtu.be/VxvED1EDG1U

Miss Marple Cameo Tea Cozy Tutorial

Miss Marple Tea Cozy

Our beloved Dame Agatha Christie turns 120 this month, and to celebrate the occasion, I've joined in with other mystery afficiandos on the Agatha Christie Blog Tour.  As you may be feeling a bit peckish from your long journeys around the internet, I should offer some refreshments... perhaps a perfectly British, tea inspired craft project? As an homage to Aunt Jane and Agatha and because I like my tea like my men, piping hot, I decided to whip up the Miss Marple Tea Cozy.  I was inspired by an absolutely stunning tutorial on the blog, Acorn Pies. If you want to make the cozy using a sewing machine or make one with a liner, head over to her site ASAP!

The Miss Marple cozy is sewn by hand and should be easy for even novice crafty types. I used felt sheets from the craft store and a crystal gem from the old chandelier that fell from our dining room ceiling (another story for another time!).  Total cost for the cozy was under a dollar including the embroidery floss.

Since every tea pot is different you'll want to take measurements of your faithful vessel and adjust the pattern to fit your needs.

Teapot of Angst

Plot out measurements of the height of your pot, furthest handle and spout distances, height from top of spout to top of lid, and lid width.

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On a large piece of paper, draw an arch from the top of spout to the top of the lid and from the top of the handle to the top of the lid.  Add a half an inch to the outside of your pattern all the way around to allow for stitching.  Cut out template.  You may want to actually make an extra template.  I made two, taped them together and fit them over my teapot to check the sizing.

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Pin the pattern to your felt and cut front and back pieces.

For the cameo, I've included an Aunt Jane silhouette, you can import this photo into your favorite program and adjust the size to best fit your pot.

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Print design and cut from paper

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Pin template to felt and carefully cut fabric

aplique

Using a running stitch, sew cameo to front of cozy

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With a blanket stitch, attach front and back pieces together all the way around at side and top seams.  Blanket stitches are one of my favorite functional/decoration stitches.  Basically your needle moves from the back of your work through the fabric, you pass your needle back through the loop you've just made before pulling the stitch tight and insert next stitch again from the back.

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It's a fun stitch to make and goes very quickly- There are some excellent videos on YouTube of making blanket stitches if you need more visuals.

bling

Cozies need a bobble on top and Miss Marple truly deserves some extra bling, something like the much prized diamond from "The Secret of Chimneys"  Sew your own diadem on tight and your cozy is ready for service.  Now Polly put the kettle on and enjoy your tea, and if you should wiff the slightest hint of bitter almonds in your cup... well, you might want to switch over to whiskey instead.